TEENS – The Forgotten Generation in Single Parent Families
By Krista Smith

TEENS…they are full of activity, excitement, friends, work, sports… and now with all the new technology, it has made it even easier for them to slip into the abyss without anyone even noticing their cries for attention.  Is this really what we want for our next generation?

Teens are facing more challenges today than we could have even imagined 5-10 years ago.  Take a moment to look down the road ten or twenty years.  What will their lives be like if we don’t reach out to them now?

Broken homes, bitterness, loneliness…the possibilities of emptiness are endless!  This is why we cannot ignore their needs today.  Many times, it is often easier to meet the needs of younger children who usually make their needs well known and have very little around to distract them. 

But, we have made it so easy for teens to hide behind a busy social life filled with texting, cell phones, I-Pods, computers and endless other activities.  It is easy to fool ourselves into believing they are happy and fulfilled, not needing us in their every day lives.   Don’t believe that lie.  We have an opportunity to make a difference.

Will we allow them to take their unhealed hurts, unresolved anger, mistrust and confusion into their own relationships?  If bitterness is allowed to take root, and forgiveness is never reached, how will they learn what true freedom feels like?  If blame and shame follow them throughout their lives, what will they have to offer their future relationships? 

It is time we help them change the course of their futures and the responsibility lies with us, their parents.  The question is…how long are we going to sit back and continue to allow society to raise our teens?  It is time we parents step up to the plate and do the job God has called us to do.

Having been a single parent myself, I understand if is very difficult being everything for everyone.  When I was a single parent, it was difficult juggling a job, transporting kids all around town, making sure homework was done… let alone finding time to connect.  Today, I would like to challenge you to briefly consider life through your teen’s eyes. 

• Are you just putting a Band-Aid over their hurts because the pain is too deep?
• Are they merely filling their time with friends and activities to hide from grief and confusion?
• Are they possibly even too busy taking care of you or other things to make the time to listen to their heart and discern their own needs?

Here are ways to help begin their healing.

1. CREATE OPEN  COMMUNICATION 
• Make a conscious effort to talk about their day, friends and activities.  Ask questions that encourage more than simple yes/no answers.  A great way to start is by asking them their highs and lows of the day.  Remember this is a time for them to share, there are no right or wrong answers.
• If you show a genuine interest in their lives, soon they will be willing to share their hearts with you.  If you have already reached that level, be sure you schedule at least 15-30 minutes of “Teen Time” in your day.
• When you focus on their lives and their issues, they will begin to feel safe and share their hurts and fears.  Let them know the door is wide open to sharing anything that is on their minds. 
• Be careful not to make any judgments or hold anything against them.  Show them unconditional love and acceptance.
• Confidentiality – Keep it between you and your teen and don’t share it with other family members without their permission.  Once they hear it brought up in public, even as a prayer request, their communication with you will shut down.  Developing this trust will encourage them to open the door to the real issues deep inside.
• Give them your full attention and make their lives a priority in your already busy life.  They are worth it.
2. GIVE THEM BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS – While teens may claim they want unlimited freedom and independence, they really don’t and more importantly, they are not ready for it.  Boundaries speak love and safety to your teen.  It tells them you care about them and the choices they make.  Be sure to make your expectations and boundaries very clear so it is something they can count on.  Boundaries and limits give them something to depend on.  The more consistent you can be, the more stable they will feel.  As they grow older, give them opportunities to earn more freedoms.  Help them to understand that privileges can be earned through time and trust.
3. MAKE A SPECIAL ONE ON-ONE-TIME WITH THEM A PRIORITY – Make an effort to go out for coffee, watch a move, or go to dinner-just the two of you.  Show them they take precedence and watch the walls start melting.  Years later, when they leave your home, these will be the memories you will cherish forever.  I promise you, you will never regret making the time!
4. FIND A GOOD YOUTH PROGRAM AND GET INVOLVED – Church involvement is vital to their healing process.  If you have a program at your church make a decision to get involved and follow through on that commitment.  Otherwise, we do an injustice to our teens. As you take the lead and follow through, they will follow.  If they see you willing to sacrifice, it is easier for them to commit.  If you do not have a youth program at your home church, find one at another community church and encourage your teen to invite a friend to come along.  New surroundings are always more comfortable when experienced with a friend.
5. ENCOURAGE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS – It is a fact that we act like the people we hang around.  We live in an open society right where anything goes.  Know who your teens are hanging out with, and be involved in their relationships. If possible, be home when they come home.  Ask them questions.  Stay home and invite their friends to hang out at your house.  It is comforting to know where they are and who they are socializing with.
6. FIND A MENTOR FAMILY – Find someone from your church family or a relative who could invest some time into their life.  It is important for your teens to observe a solid married couple’s relationship that displays commitment, communication, love and respect for one another.  This is a great example for their future.
7. ALLOW THEM TO BE A TEEN – Do not unload your “adults situations” on them.  They have enough to worry about and plenty to focus on in their own lives.  Keep conflict at bay.  Do not allow them to be caught in the middle of any conflict between parents, including schedules or financial matters.  Be positive and make your home to be a safe place to be.
8. JOIN A “BIG D” GROUP – If your single parent home is a result of a divorce, your teen must be given the time to acknowledge the loss, and heal from the pain of a broken family.  It is only by working through their grief that they can find hope for their own futures.  Joining a group like “The Big D” designed to help them through the healing process is also a great way to connect them with others who are experiencing the same issues.  The healing that can take place in a group like this is remarkable.
9. BE A GODLY EXAMPLE – Remember actions speak louder than words.  They are watching every step you take and every choice you make.  It is an awesome truth to realize YOU are the most important person in your teen’s life, and they learn by watching what you do and how you respond.  Do not take this responsibility lightly.  You have been given this influence over their lives for a reason.  Make the best of it!  Their futures depend on it!
10. PRAY-PRAY-PRAY!  Teens have a way of keeping us on our knees.  I think God designed it that way for a purpose.  Pray when things are going well.  Pray when things are getting shaky.  Pray when you don’t know what else to do.  God has promised to be the Father to the fatherless.  He will take care of them and watch over them.  As we trust in Him for our precious ones, we learn to trust in Him for other things.  If you need encouragement, find a group to meet with to encourage you in your walk of faith.  Step by step, as we leave our teens in Christ’s arms, He will see us through and guide us as we raise our teens.

We have been given a wonderful opportunity to guide and bless our children. The impact we can make in their lives now and in their futures is endless.  Allow God to equip you to make a difference in their lives.  They will thank you someday.

Krista Smith
The Big D…Divorce Through the Eyes of a Teen