Healing From Divorce
blog contributed by -
Rachel Rueckert from Elk River MN
14 years! That was the magical number of years I was told that it would take for me to heal from my divorce. I was told that if you doubled the years you were married, it would be approximately the amount of time that it would take to heal from the wounds of your unwanted divorce. At the time I was 28 years old, had three little ones and looking at 14 years seemed to be an eternity. It would mean I would be 41 years old when I “healed”. At 28, waiting until I was 41 seemed too old to start over, too old to start looking for love again, and really just plain too old. Guess what! I am now 41 and I am not old! I smile to my younger me and, at the same time, shake my head in sadness over the foolishness of not taking wisdom from people that were wiser than myself. My heart breaks over the choices I made despite what others were advising me against. I grieve for my children, my extended family, and most of all my relationship with God due to the choices I made that wounded so many along the way. Were those choices sinful? Some, yes. Some, no. But, because they were done against wise counsel they were not the best choices and I not only suffered the consequences, others around me did also.
Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” So many times I became the fool. Why? Because I looked the other way when others were putting up red flags and jumping up and down with white hankies in their hands. All the while I figuratively stuck up my middle finger and told them, by my actions, that they were the fools. How I must have looked to them! How foolish I must have seemed. I know! This may be a hard hitting piece. But, with every fiber of my being, my prayer is that through my experiences some of you can decide to choose the better path, no matter how hard that may seem.
The next part of this piece is very personal and raw and humbling. It is a chapter of my life that I both wish could be deleted and rewritten and, at the same time, kept and treasured. And, as a disclaimer, my husband, Steve, has given me his blessing to share this with you.
After my former husband left me, (Yes, former husband, not x, but that reasoning is for another time and story.) I found a Divorce Care program that I began to attend. While attending Divorce Care I met a most intriguing man. To make a long story short, Steve, this most intriguing man, won my heart and we started dating a couple of years after my former husband left me. I had a few very wise people counsel me that it was too soon for me to be dating and that I needed to spend my time developing my relationship with Jesus and my children. This is where my story becomes that mix of erase, don’t erase. After two and a half years of dating Steve and I married and believed that we would break all of the molds and start a new one. Why couldn’t we? Our children got along, Steve was good with mine and they liked him, and we were madly in love! And, don’t you know that when you are in love that is all you need. Right? Well, not even a week into our marriage we were having our first loud and very nasty fight. And this was even before our children came back home after our honeymoon. Then, after our children came back, we had more to fight about, more baggage to sling around and more dirty laundry to throw at each other. As the years continued it did not get any better; it got devastatingly worse. We suffered, our children suffered and the ministries that we so desperately wanted to work on together suffered. This is when the delete and rewrite comes in.